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psychotic creep 2001-05-08 You know, I usually try to write light-hearted little entries, but I am so mentally ill today that a light-hearted entry would be impossible. There is nothing specifically wrong except that I am stressed and pmsy. Francisco is sick with a cold and so I had sole responsibility for the Boy this morning and he got a little loud while Francisco was still sleeping and I snapped at him. That was uncalled for and I apologized and I think everything is okay, but I screw up with him so often, and even though I apologize, I don't think that makes it better. I feel that someday he is going to say to himself, "I know she apologizes, but then she just does it again", and he will wonder why I don't learn from my mistakes. *I* wonder why I don't learn, so it stands to reason that he would. I'm better than I used to be, but I'm still not where I would like to be, patience-wise. Also I'm pissed because I spent a lot of time on the phone yesterday (mostly on hold) with my doctor's office, trying to get a lab appt to get my thyroid checked. They said they'd call me back, and when they called they said to come in anytime between 8 and 5, Monday through Friday, and check in at the desk, and I would be able to go to the lab. I went a few minutes ago and the desk person had no record of it. And of course there were no triage nurses available, so I was out of luck and I have to call again today and probably go through the whole thing again. I know that I am the one responsible for my health, and I am taking responsibility, but it would be great to believe that the people I talk to at the doctor's office actually care whether I live or die. Or if they could even just Pretend to care, that would be enough. OR if they would just not hamper me when I'm being responsible for my health, that would be okay too. In other news, I went to the gym this morning, thus achieving two of the 6 consecutive days I am striving for this week. I like that gym in the morning because it is mostly guys lifting weights and I feel comfortable with them. The reason is because I know they don't expect to have a conversation with me, so I am free to go about my own business. Mostly they are men who are trying to really bulk up, and some have gotten there, but there is one guy there lately who sort of cracks me up. He is a tallish, very skinny man who carries a clipboard with him and works through a series of weight lifting exercises and then checks each thing off. He wears running shorts and his long skinny legs are kind of vulnerable looking, and when he does the "hold 20 pound weights in each hand and leg lunge" thing, it is very endearing. I feel protective of him because he is different from the other guys and I worry that they make fun of him behind his back, but I have never spoken to him, and I don't want to speak to him. How weird am I? Francisco slept in the living room last night because he knew he would be restless with his cold, and Esther slept with him instead of with me and Lucy. Francisco and I both thought she would sleep with me and Lucy, thus maintaining the integrity of The Pride, but she surprised us. I'm glad she was there to comfort him. She is the best cat in the world and Lucy is first runner-up. Wow, you know what? I feel so much better now--much less mentally ill than when I started this entry. You are the Best therapist; has anyone ever told you that? Catiecake and Lora (Erlenweg6) met each other and had lunch yesterday, and I am jealous. Not like Jealousjealous, but I wish I could meet d-land people, particularly Catiecake and Lora. None of the people I am used to reading are NC residents, which is sad, but I guess that's how it goes. If anyone will be passing through NC anytime, let me know; we can do lunch. I apologize for nothing. Love and kisses,
come over some time & see me - 2011-02-25 |
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