the grief goes on


So, I had no idea what to anticipate, as to how Esther would deal with Lucy not being around anymore. I sort of thought it wouldn't affect her much, because she and Lucy hadn't really been what you'd call friends, but it turns out I was quite wrong about that. She didn't seem different on Tuesday, the day Lucy died, but yesterday she started acting very weird. She was laying in the window when I got home, but she didn't even lift her head to look at me when I came in. I petted her and she purred a little bit, but she didn't make any move to get up. After awhile I picked her up and took her upstairs for a cuddle, and she submitted to it but after not too long she got restless and left my lap. For the rest of the evening she alternated between sitting motionless in different places and moving around manically. Once when I tried to pet her she scurried into the upstairs closet. I left her alone for about half an hour and then looked in on her. She was laying on an upturned box lid that contains a pillow I sewed in junior high. It is shaped like one of those old school Adidas roller skates--the blue and yellow ones (some of you will know the skates I mean. the rest of you are fetuses). We recently unearthed the pillow and I put it in the closet until I decide what I'm going to do with it [huge-ass shadow box? I need to come up with something]. Francisco came home briefly last night to eat some dinner and when I told him Esther had been laying on that pillow, he said that Lucy had lain there before he took her to the vet on Tuesday, and it probably still smells like her.

This breaks my heart. People, I made two big mistakes after Lucy died. The first was showing Lucy's body to Esther--I genuinely thought that it would be better for Esther to see Lucy and know that she wasn't alive anymore than to just have Lucy disappear from the house. However, I do not think it helped at all and if I could go back I wouldn't do that again. The second mistake I made was completely thoughtless. When Lucy died she was laying on a fleecey pad she liked, and after we got home I put that in the washing machine (after she'd died, her body had leaked urine onto it and it needed to be washed). Before I started the washer I remembered how I'd been meaning to wash the two small blankets we keep upstairs on the chairs the cats like to lay on--they were hairy and gross. So, unthinkingly I put those in the washing machine and washed them also, but what I didn't realize is I was washing Lucy's smell off them. Also on Tuesday we washed our comforter cover, because Lucy had thrown up on it during the night. So, we got rid of her smell and it never even occurred to me that we were doing that. The little bathmat on the credenza that Esther was laying on last night still smells like Lucy, as does the upstairs ottoman and that skate pillow, and those are all the places Esther has been favoring. Poor Esther. I'm glad Francisco's working nights now, because he'll be home until 4 and then I get home shortly after 5, so she won't have to be alone very much at all.

Last night before bed I carried Esther into the bedroom and made her cuddle with me (she didn't seem to mind). She came into the bedroom a few times last night and wanted to get under the covers, so I let her. She also wanted to lay on my pillow, and at first I was fending her off, because she is not a good pillow sharer, but then I decided to just let her. She is sad and if laying on my pillow makes her happier, so be it. This morning I carried her upstairs to sit with me while I drank coffee, and basically I think I'll be carrying that cat around a lot (eat your heart out Suri Cruise), and forcing my company on her. She can choose to take a break from me while I sleep, if she wants to, but when I'm home and awake I'm not going to give her much alone moping time. Also, I am not going to succumb to the urge for loud crying like I've been doing--I will try to cry very quietly so as not to further upset Esther. This might be overkill, but I'd rather be careful. She is also 15 1/2 and I can't imagine listening to me wail like a crazy woman is doing her health any good. If I really Need to cry like that, I'll go out to the car so as to only traumatize the neighbors.

Hey, thank you for your condolences; they mean a lot to me. This has obviously been a very sad thing for me and Francisco and Esther, and it seemed to happen so suddenly. On Sunday, Lucy seemed fine. On Monday afternoon, she was throwing up, and by noon on Tuesday, she was dead. In reality Lucy's health was going downhill for a few months, but when you see someone every day, it's hard to see subtle changes. When I look at pictures of her (like the ones I posted yesterday) the weight loss she had is obvious, but because it happened a little at a time, it was hard to tell how drastic it was. In some ways I wish we'd taken her to the vet earlier, but considering that the saline injection thing would've been all they could suggest, I guess it probably wouldn't have made any difference, in the long run. Her kidneys would still have hit a wall and we'd still have had the decision to make.

Okay, enough. I'll talk to you later.




come over some time & see me - 2011-02-25
let's not say goodbye - 2011-02-23
the Rachel Zoe collection - 2011-02-10
I feel happy today - 2011-02-04
the tiny snow stalker - 2011-01-25

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