The single clenched fist lifted and ready,
I haven't talked about this in my diary before, because it just feels so personal to me, but I have come to believe there is really something going on in the Universe. I don't believe in a deity, at least not the way deities are portrayed in religious doctrine, but I do believe there is some kind of organizing energy doing stuff behind the scenes, you know? Stop me if I'm getting too technical here. Anyway, a couple weeks ago I started reading a book by Carolyn Myss, called Sacred Contracts, which presents the notion that before we were born, we made agreements with other pre-born people to help advance each others' spiritual or personal development here on earth. I wasn't so sure I could get behind this idea, but as it turns out, I absolutely can. The book leads the reader through various exercises to determine the archetypes at work in their lives, and this is not a fast process, so I'm still slogging through it. But one thing I read and felt the truth of is that, if you do not fulfill your contract with someone, through choice or just plain failure, you're going to get another chance, but it's not going to be as easy as if you'd fulfilled it in the first place. I have to say, reading that gave me a feeling of dread, because I know there are contracts I have left unfulfilled, and I'm going to have to reckon with that someday.
As it turns out, someday was sooner than I thought. Within the past week, someone calling herself Keri left me comments to say that in losing a friendship, I am getting what I deserve for having undervalued her friendship at one time. I knew immediately who it was, even though I tried to hope it was instead this crazy chick who used to read my diary and who went a little nuts when I stopped reading hers. I was able to confirm my suspicion today, with 99% accuracy, through an IP reverse lookup, so my day of reckoning is at hand. [I just have to say, when I confirmed Keri's identity, I had to shake my head and laugh a little, because the Universe is one smartass motherfucker, to give me my second chance so soon after I started believing.]
I let you down. I have no excuses, and I have always felt terrible about the way I ended our friendship. I used to have dreams that I'd see you someplace and would wake up feeling guilty and shaken. When I went to TJ Maxx, I would look around the lot for your car before going in the store, because I knew if I ran into you there, I wouldn't know what to say. What does one say when one has been an utter shit to somebody else? Miss Manners doesn't have a chapter covering that. I wanted to email you but Janice said you'd changed your address (or at least, she said she'd tried to email you and her email bounced back), and to tell the absolute truth, that was a bit of a relief, due to the whole "what does one say....?" issue. I still don't know what to say, but I at least wanted to apologize to you for my failure as a friend, and I want you to know it had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me. And (this is going to sound audacious, but bear with me), I want you to forgive me. I say this because I know from firsthand knowledge that holding onto anger is damaging to a person, and I don't want you to suffer from the way I failed you. Rest assured I will always feel terrible for being such a crap friend, even if you forgave me, and you could forgive me without telling me about it anyway, right? I hope you will at least consider it.
If you want to talk, please email me. I don't know what the Universe's debit sheet says I owe you, but whatever it is, I want to pay up.
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