accidental gut spillage


Message from my left shoulder blade:

" ache. ....." And so on.

Still with the intermittent aching; it's really starting to distract me. Of course, I'm pretty distractable when I'm at work. I'm basically begging the Universe to distract me away from these freaking rosters right now. The main reason the shoulder ache is distracting me is it makes me think about how some people have back pain when they have heart attacks, instead of chest pain, so I'm subconsciously monitoring the shoulder pain because it's sort of worrying me. 99% of my brain knows this is Not a heart attack--I mean, I have no family history of heart attack, and really, what are the odds that a 35 year old healthy person would have a heart attack and feel it in their shoulder and have the shoulder pain go on for more than 24 hours? Not that great. Especially after the healthy person physically exerted herself and her shoulders before the pain started. Right? Right. I am too easily alarmed about these kinds of things. I think it stems somehow from my deep distrust of doctors. I was thinking about how freaked out I get when I'm at the doctor (which is not often, mind you) and the doctor in question says or does something to indicate lack of interest in my health. It pushes some kind of mental panic button, and I realized just a couple days ago that this is directly connected to what happened to my sister. I don't want to make her story about me, because it clearly is NOT about me, but I do think that her almost dying because of doctor error has made me hypersensitive to any tiny little sign that doctors don't care. This is a problem I really need to deal with, but I'm not sure how to do that. I think a series of positive doctor experiences might go a long way toward fixing the problem, but I also know that my chances of having even two positive doctor experiences in a row are slim to none. Not with my shitty HMO plan. So for now my big plan is to just never go to the doctor again. There's no point anyway--I could be bleeding from my ears and they'd tell me I have a virus and to go home and drink plenty of fluids.

Heh, I didn't intend to write all the above--it just sort of came out. Oy. This diary is better than therapy.

So! Dinner last night was fun. Ruby is outstanding in every way and we all liked her very much. She brought pappadums and also a very cute 50's style apron (she made it herself), which I love. I'm going to start wearing it when I cook; it'll be fun. We made the Brazilian drinks and they were good. I think I made them too big, because I started getting confused trying to microwave the pappadums, and that was after drinking half my drink. But we had our drinks and the dinner Francisco made (curried peanut soup, brown rice & pea salad, and raita) and sat around chatting and that was about it. I mean, it was a work night--we weren't going to get drunk and start making prank phone calls or anything. I know I could've been more personally entertaining, though. I wanted to be entertaining in the worst way, but sometimes that doesn't come naturally to me. Sometimes I am funny and charming with no effort at all, and sometimes I am not in the zone, or something, and can't think of anything to say. The latter was me last night, and it was vexing me all to hell. The BOY, however, was on a roll. He popped out with some really funny stuff, and I was so proud of him. Francisco was also having a good night, entertaining-wise, so I guess my services weren't needed. Francisco was Sooo sweet last night. He not only cooked the dinner, but he also cleaned up the dishes and entertained The Boy for awhile. I am really grateful to him for being so generous and doing that stuff. And he not only did it, but did it while half crocked on caipirinhas and greyhounds. He is Batman. Anyway, Ruby left at about 10:30-ish and we went to bed soon after that. It was a good night, and hopefully if Ruby gets back to this area some other time, she'll give me another chance to sparkle with witty and amusing anecdotes.

This weekend I'm going to finish up some projects and start others. I have Francisco's scarf to finish, Catie's scarf to make, biscotti recipes to get in the mail, beads to buy, and really far more projects to start than I could ever do this weekend. In addition this weekend, I want to exercise both days and maybe, Maybe, work in the yard a little. Last I heard it was going to get into the 60s on Sunday, and that would be a good day to do some yard cleanup and stuff. Plus cleaning out the car and truck; they are gross. So I have things to do and I wish I didn't have to be sitting around at work today. I'm getting a lot of work done, but it sucks. Also I have two appointments this afternoon, and I have a feeling both will be difficult. I KNOW one of them will be, and I have a bad feeling about the other. My kingdom for a valium.

My manicure has had it, but my pedicure is still going strong. I knew you were wondering.


E |


come over some time & see me - 2011-02-25
let's not say goodbye - 2011-02-23
the Rachel Zoe collection - 2011-02-10
I feel happy today - 2011-02-04
the tiny snow stalker - 2011-01-25

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