It has long been my belief that the three most boring things to hear someone talk about in detail are 1) diets 2) addictions and 3) depression, though of course this depends on the individual and how entertainingly he/she can speak of these things. I am about to talk about one of these things, but I'm not feeling very entertaining, so hang up NOW, is my advice to you.
Friends, I am really fucking depressed and have been for weeks, though you probably wouldn't have guessed that even if you knew me in person, because I've been trying to act as normal as possible. I felt like I was doing a pretty good job of acting normal until a few minutes ago when I was at the AtomicTonic forum board and reread an old topic someone had revived. It was from just over a year ago, and it was one in which I had participated enthusiastically. Considering I now almost never post at AT, even though I stop by there several times a day, it made me realize just how withdrawn I've become, to the point where I'm worried about losing friends because I'm not holding up my end of the communications. I've been Wanting keep in contact, but nowadays even sending a short email to someone seems like a herculean task best put off until tomorrow, when surely it will feel easier. Except it never does.
Mind you, this communication issue isn't my biggest problem right now. My biggest problem is the tears-hovering-just-below-the-surface issue. I can be going through the day all normal-like, and then something will occur (a brusque reply from a coworker; a teasing remark said in complete jest) that will make the tears start to well up, and I'll have to swallow hard and breathe deeply until the cry feeling passes. My god, WHAT KIND OF FUCKING FREAK HAVE I BECOME?? I don't want to be this person--I Hate this person. I hate this emotional rollercoaster I've been stuck on, and I hate that I can't sleep enough, and I hate how boring I'm being right now so I'm going to stop. I don't intend to talk about this again unless I really have to for some reason, and I am resolved to do whatever I have to to start feeling like myself again.
Maybe we could just pretend like this never happened, Internet. Can we do that?
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